Dedicated to God, and my five children
Christopher Greer, Nicholas Coulter
Both at the right hand of God.
Christin, Destiny, and
Devon. And my mother
Elaine and my Brother Kenneth and then all the
Addicts that have lost their lives and to their family
In addition, the addicts out there still thinking they got
what they want in life.
WRITTEN BY: RAMONA COULTER DAVIS
First off, I want to say thank you! God has made such and influence on my life. I have a reason to live today. I would like to share how God worked through Billy Graham
and my great grandma Bailey.
Then the TV years later.
God showed me how powerful and determined He is to turn me in His Glory. Therefore, I will take my testimony out, share it with others, and show that even in tragedies and despai
r God is holding us. He allows us the choices of the roads that we take in life.
I am Ramona Coulter I was 37 years old, when I began writing this in prison in the great state of Texas, for the third time, within 10 years. Finding myself again No # to the state.
I was addicted to Drugs, money, lust and the criminal lifestyles (the way of the street and the game of Sin).
All these things were my Gods and Idols for 16 years. I allowed Satan to Reign over my every breath.
Note: (Today for the first time through out my addictions and frequent visits to jail institutions and rehab or on the run) I have given my life to Christ No it did not happen over night
it took me two more years after this last incident to surrender. I would not have been caught with a bible except when I was bargaining with god to get my way. In addition, that was only
a last resource at the time. I thought I knew it all.
I want to skip back in time to my child hood a second. To show you how I came to know God and Billy Graham. See I had a spirit filled great grandma that dedicated her life to her
relationship with God and her family along the love for the way Billy graham brought the word of god to life.
Thinking back, I loved to listen to Billy Graham with her over the summer visits to her home in East Texas, and at that time, I ask grandma is he for real could God really be like he states
. Oh yes my child, One day when you are ready, you will know the feeling of God within you... just as I do and Billy Graham does.
The summer I was 9 years old my world changed in many different ways and directions. I found God bubbling in my soul. I gave my life to MY Lord and Savior. I was on my face on the
bible with my grandma When she took my hand and prayed with me to cover me in the blood of Jesus to protect and comfort me through all the trials and tribulations my life has in store.
You know my child God knew you before you were ever born and he knows the life that you will travel and what the purpose of you life will be. What will I be grandma. I fell you hold
the gift of the spirits and you can help them cross over into the light. With your experiences and tragedies, you can help others, as god will allow Billy graham and I to show you through
the areas that you stumble on. In addition, all the choices I will face.
That summers my Aunt Brenda and her family went to see Billy Graham. I
Have to go. At the end of the service, we went down out of the bleachers to the altar call. “Billy Graham placed his hand on my head and said “ Child you have a gift you will se many
tragedies and face many trials in your life don't give up you will find your way, believe in God he will help you through and then you will find your treasures. Ask for the true desires of your heart
Then you will receive. One-day young woman you will find what you seek.
(I remember it like it was yesterday.)
The twist of shattered innocence, rebellion, confusion, anger and rejection over the next 12 years. I went from child molestation, physical, mental, sexual, emotional and spiritual abuse
. To a marriage at the age of 14 to a 22-year-old alcoholic addict and child, molester just did not know that until years later.
By this time of my life I played the game of sin well myself. Lying, manipulation with a twist of innocence. I learned point blank sins of the flesh and how to use them to my benefit.
Anger, rage and rebellion run through my veins. I wanted no parts of God. How could he vow to protect me? Allow others to take all my innocence?
These were men in my life that I trusted and believe loved me and I really looked up to.
The pain inside me was eating me up. So here where the art of running away came alive. The further I ran the better I felt. I would love and want all the wrong people especially if they
were abusive to me and /or visa a versa
Me to them. I thought I could change them and me. I was so wrong.
These actions covered up my pains and wounds that were festering everyday I was wrong again.
I ran in and out of these dysfunctional relationships by the time I was 21 I had two of my five children. I was even afraid to let them love me too.
Unstable, wild, wanting to find love and scared of it all at the same time
At 21 years old, I thought I found it in crack cocaine.
That day was a crazy on I lost the custody of my eldest son. I was not there no one came to take me to court I went deep in to depression and was introduced to my first piece of dope.
After three days high, I was at my apartment. When a preacher came knocking at my door. I would not answer it so he left literature. After he left I opened the doors and retrieved the pamphlets
There Billy Graham was on the pamphlet .BELIEVE IN ME WAS ALL I REMEMBER IT SAYING.
Memories flooded my mind I cried three days and even went to the point of wanting to die God Just let me die. What is the point of me living if you keep taking everything away? Losing
days, soon I awakened in the Nut ward, 4th floor in Lufkin TX. I stayed a few weeks got better and went home.
I was in a spiritual warfare. Over the next 15 years, I was in my addictions. The deeper the need for drugs the further away from reality or the pain and anger that ruled my life. Learning to live
by the sins of the flesh helped me to meet the needs of the lifestyle that I had chosen.
In and out of relationships and two, more of my five children were born during this time.
I some how allowed them not to be pulled through the most part of my addictions. They were and continue to be, affected by my choices and lifestyles that I had chosen to live.
(Note: I hope that one day all five of my children and my mom and brother will forgive me of my past sins.)
During this time of my life, I started using God as a bargaining tool in my times of need. I was a drug addict, prostitute, criminal, No# to the state, an unfit mother daughter sister aunt and friend.
Used lied and abused everyone that wanted to or that did love me.” Unconditionally”.
When I would go to jail I would say Ok God no more please help me- I knew deep in my heart that I was lying and still I continued to call on him for my own selfish reasons.
Then out on the street I would be so drug induced my lupus would be out of control, cold and hungry, beaten, raped and so on. Then I would call on God only in them times of despair.
When I was not in despair or need, it was like God who is that. I did not need anyone as long as the dope and money was covered.
Everything and everyone else was on the back burner. (Like God Family, Friends and loved one or any one that put their own neck out to save me).
During this, time my grandma Bailey past away. I was not even there.
Three am in the morning in a drug induced haze. I was having a screaming match with God. How dare you? Why am I still alive? Who needs you when you take everyone that I love away. That pushed the anger further up in my throat and added to the rebellion I had at God and everyone else that thought they were my saviors.
I found myself challenging God to the point of my last breath and with the lives of other. That is why I would always run away because every time I loved someone they would be taken away or I would push them so hard that they would leave me.
Many nights through my addiction after her death (call it coincidence or what ever) Today I refer to it as the hand of god and my Guardian angels.
He moved me out of the paths of death, suicides, rapes, torturing, and of being murdered, throughout the years of my addictions. On each of these occasions, I would see her in my dreams prior to the actual incident. Some how my paths would change, avoiding the tragedy’s.
By going to jail, the hospitals, or to sleep or some one would show up and I would change my plans. Looking back was truly a blessing for me.
I was in and out of prison I refused to let God become a part of me or my life. Cause along I knew I was going back to dope and the game. It took the pain away.
One of the beliefs I hold dear to me firm is what my grandma bailey taught me. Fear the wrath of God. I was doing badly enough with out being a hypocrite as well. I thought that if I was not a bible thumper then I was not lying to God.
The year 2006 came fast. I want digging my own grave challenging and bucking life. So empowered by my addiction -Running from parole lost in the streets chasing the crack monster /when I was told I was pregnant ( 7 months to be exact) I am a drug addict what can I do with another child when the ones I have were drug through shit! I could not care for them how will I care for another My addiction took me for another 3 and half week when I gave birth to Devon , His first Grasp of breath took my soul .. How dare you Ramona. He did not ask for this. You are so selfish! God please save my child from me and protect him (March 23, 2006 Devon Eugene Coulter was born in Lufkin TX a beautiful baby boy.) God used CPS to protect him. It took a year for me to finally do what was right. I gave him up to CPS and a closed adoption.
Even after this I went back to my addiction harder and heavier. I did what ever it took to get me high. That way I could deal with the decisions, I had made, and forget the
pain I knew so well. On April 16th I remember saying I am tired God! Easter Sunday, I was out the door of Room 111 at Petty's motel. On the TV was the Billy Graham crusade. He said there is someone out there that needs God; and if she will humble themselves to diligently
seek him, he will save them today... Yeah right, I said and out I went.
Low and behold around 2:30 pm I was on my knees with a 45 pistol to my head and my left arm was sliced to the bone, and I was begging God to please save me. When I
came to I was in custody of Angelina County and the paramedics were over me trying to save my life. I was shot in the head only a graze and fifteen stitches in my arm. I was
on my way to prison again I just knew I had it together this time but still in the end I was rebellious
when it came to letting god drive .I was out and within 5 hours I was back in the streets of Lufkin ,TX.; and the dope game was waiting on me with open arms . Even after that I went back the more dope I did, the less I thought or feared anything. I was using everything as an
excuse to use. In 20 days, my Lupus was out of control; so was my addiction. I did not care. I was on a mission to die. I felt the taste of death and welcomed it with open arms.
Wide-awake day in and day out abusing all the dope, I could get. In addition, hurting everyone in many ways to get what I wanted.
There I was on the run again from the law, hiding in Room No.111 at Petty’s motel, when a drug associate called me to come over. I said I would be there in a minute.
I had been up for weeks at this point, my body was deteriating in front of my eyes, sores, and boils from my lupus covered me. I even lost 30 pounds in 20 days. I was dying and did not care.
I was on my way out the door when I set on the bed to hit my dope before I left (on came the TV) I was on the remote. Billy Graham classic crusade... Not again!
Ask God tore move something from your life and he will give you the desires of your heart by this nights end!
Ok this is enough I said out loud. By this, nights end if you can remove this pipe and this piece of dope from me. God I will surrender!
Out the door, I went 11:52 PM into room 109.
(WATCH WHAT YOU ASK FOR YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT!)
I walked in to my friends room sit in the chair by the door placed that piece of dope on my pipe, when all hell broke loose. The jumps out boys were there.
One of them reached for the pipe and that piece of dope from my lips and said Ramona you will not need this. My heart fell to the bottom of my stomach when I looked up and the clock was blinking 11:59 PM.
1 minute until this night ended. I threw up my hands and said Oh God I surrender. Back to prison I went .During this stay I regained my bond back with my mom and four of my children and my first grandchild.
Even after being lost in my addiction so long they still loved and wanted me back. In addition, my brother was cleaned up from his pill addiction.
See the power of prayer went from my grandma Bailey to Billy Graham. My mom and children, my brother and sisters and other family and friend have
kept me raised in prayer all these years.
Our lives have changed the love compassion and forgiveness and the desires to change releasing the cycle of addictions.
I want to say thank you. I do not know if you believe even if you do not. Someone out there believes enough for you and has a prayer line on your life until you realize Hey!
Who is protecting me from myself and that crazy lifestyle that I have chosen for my self? When you do believe Stop and say thank you! In addition, you start a prayer line for some one else too.
To help them find their way out.
Nevertheless, this does not end here you see. As I was told one time not everything happened over night. Oh how I found out that. If you do not put your all in to it then it will bit you in the butt.
The day after I was released from prison was the most wonder fullest day I had my children, mom, and grandson under one roof. Then I had one of the most tragedies a mother could face.
My 8 year old daughter made a out cry of molestation by her alleged father that at this time has been indicted.
My focus was facing this and finding ways to keep her safe. That is when I lost it and relapsed. My sons, oldest daughter, and mom came to save me.
God please keep drugs away from let me face life and conquer this addiction.
Two months and 4 days after I was released from prison, I was at home with my mom and my two sons Christopher 19 and Nicholas 16 celebrating Nick’s birthday. A day could not
have been more wonderful. They where talking about all the plans and dreams of what they wanted and how they were going to take care of me. Pictures and more pictures.
My house was full of laughter I finally got it. I never wanted to use dope again. They sung to me,
Dear Mama from Tupac. It was getting late and they wanted to go to town. When nick said mom I cannot live another day with out you. Christopher said that is right mom we
love you. Out the door, they went and never to return. They lost their life together in a horrible crash.
How real words are .I thought my life was over. I could not breathe. My mom was
devastated; I felt life was truly over. How do you tell your other children that their brothers are gone forever.
Screaming at God. How dare you give them back to me and then take them forever? They were my sons. On the day we buried Christopher. I was looking at my cell phone
when I answered the messages. My heart dropped. Hey mom this is Nick and Christopher we are on our way home. It was two minutes before the crash.. Thank You God! My heart
cried out I needed that. However, you are still not off the hook.
God was letting me know. He let me have them final days with them cause with out them If would have been out there in my addiction I would not have been able to live another da
y and I would have never had the chance to go to heaven with them. Watching my two daughters, mom, and other family tore my heart out not only was I hurt so was my family and so on.
What is the purpose of my life? When I have everything together, it is shattered. What is the use?
I lost a year and a half to drugs again loosing other friends and family to death.
Wake up Ramona! We need to talk. Oh, boys please let mom sleep. Everyone already thinks I am crazy for talking to you both, since you both died.
This was the day I lost my will to breath or even thought, or had any hope that God loved me. Why? They were only kids. They will not come back!
I see you both in my heart. I see you both in my sleep even in the mornings and out in the streets.
This is not the boys this time; its God, I am crazy now .the guard and nurse said it is the withdrawals from the drug and it should be over now. I am back in jail again.
I give up. God what else is going to happen in my life? What else will the price be?
Sit up on your bunk oh my heavens are you real? Get out of denial! Ramona! Look around you what are you doing? Here I am again on my way back to prison. Why cause you
can not handle life? Cause no one will feel sorry for you? Strung out, needing to get high. Poor me! Poor me! No more! I am tired! Yes, God is tired of all the insanity you alone
can create. Look at all the people who have loved you over the years. To be hurt, used, abused or just like all your kids, left! Cause you had to get high. Boo Hoo! No more pity party’s.
Wake up!
I am real. Who do you think carried you through all of your molestations as a child, the abuse/ abandonment's in your relationships (very dysfunctional ones I might add?)
Through out your addictions (drugs, men, food, sex, money, thievery, and so on.) One after the other, I almost lost track. Moreover, I am God.
Who do you think has loved your family and children, all these years? Do you remember them? There are your daughters that are still there waiting on their mom to return home, or your mom
, waiting on her daughter?
While you Ramona were either on the run, drugging, or in jail, prison, or just gone to find what you thought you needed in your life.
Again! Again! While your family and kids were without (a mom, daughter sister grandma etc.) yes you are all them or have you been to string out to realize all the roles in life I gave you
. Many years you have not chose these roles you chose the ones out there in the games you call life.
Instead and by the way who gave you the most precious opportunity of the role as a mother (you know the one you threw away over and over again.)
For what? Never mind that I even came back and removed you from the pits of your sins and handed it “motherhood “back to you. Once again, you have to feel the love of your children they
still have for you. Even when you did not deserve it this time.
Nevertheless, as I said in the book of life I will give you no more than you can bear, 1st Cor.10: 13. I knew if you were still lost in your addiction when I called your two sons to heaven.
You would have died in your sins. Therefore, I allowed you to be a mom sober and free, As well as a grandma now and in the near future. In addition, I gave you the chance to change you
threw it away once again. There you went back to your sins.
Through all of this, it was I. I am your God. I am real. I know you struggle with the spiritual side of believing. Look at me, seek my face. I carried all of you through the pain and mourning
. Moreover, I comforted the ones you left again. Those stills love and need you. Now its time you see the truth as well as speak it.
You have called on me many times in your past and I was there. I have always held up to my end of the promises and prayers. In addition, you, well I knew Bam! There you would go
I still loved you even when you went back time after time. In addition, so does your family and kids.
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